This "how to kit" is by Blues and his friend
 

 HOW-TO KIT FOR WRITING THE BLUES

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman," is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick
something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman with the meanest
face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the  first line right, repeat
 it.Then find something that rhymes ...sort of: "Got a good woman...with the
meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500
pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: you stuck in a
ditch, ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't
travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and
state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in  the running. Walkin' plays a
major  part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults
sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the
electric chair if you shot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or anyplace in
Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago,  St
Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You
cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing isn't the
blues..Breaking your leg cuz a'alligator be chompin' on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is
wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
  a. highway
  b. jailhouse
  c. empty bed
  d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues:
a. ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
 happen
to be a' old black man, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
  a. you're older than dirt
  b. you're blind
  c. you shot a man in Memphis
  d. you can't be satisfied.

No, if:
  a. you have all your teeth
  b. you were once blind but now can see
  c. the man in Memphis lived.
  d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg
up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
  a. wine
  b. whiskey or bourbon
  c. muddy water
  d. black coffee.

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
  a. mixed drinks
  b. kosher wine
  c. Snapple
  d. sparkling water
  e. double, decaf, lowfat latte

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down
 cot.You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or
getting  liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
  a. Sadie
   b. Big Mama
   c. Bessie
   d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
   a. Joe
  b. Willi e
   c. Little Willie
   d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can't sing the
Blues  no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make yer own Blues name (starter kit):
  a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
  b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc)
   c. last name of U.S. President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

20. I don't care how tragic your life is: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it -- with fire, a spilled bottle of Mad  Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I  don't care.


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